This past weekend was my birthday.
It was also my wifes birthday.
It was also our anniversary.
Yes all 3 are on the same day. I am a year older then my wife.
Every year when my birthday passes I get introspective. I look at where my life has been, where it seems to be going, and if I have become a better person or accomplished something worthwhile beyond just surviving another year on this planet. Get ready cause this post might get a little depressing at the start.
I don’t like my birthday very much. I never have. As a kid I didn’t have friends so I never had the classic “birthday party”. We would usually go out to eat somewhere I picked and that was about it. As I got older, I found people just didn’t know what to gift me as my family are nothing like me and couldn’t understand my interests. Similar shit happened at Christmas frequently which is prolly why I am not a huge fan of that day either. At this point in my adult life they are just another day for me. For my birthday my usual hope is to spend it with my wife. For Christmas it’s to just survive.
This last birthday was little different. I managed to avoid thinking about it too much by spending our weekend together playing Final Fantasy 14, and our Planescape DND Game (with Saevrick, Walking Virus, Shelbutt, Brax, and a guest named Jasmine) on Saturday evening. As I write this on Monday though, sitting at work with my mind allowed to wander, I started to think again, about everything.
Like many creative folk I suffer from Imposter Syndrome, worried that eventually everyone out there will figure out just how much of a fraud I am, and how I don’t belong ect ect. I can’t help it, I can only deal with it. I especially feel that way because as much as I want to believe I have done something worthwhile its hard to see it.
Sure I have a lot of supporters, yes. Plenty of twitter followers and patrons and views on the blog and all that jazz. But all I can think about is “I wonder how long it will be till I anger them, or fail them, or run them off?” Logically I don’t think I will be there will always be this little asshole voice in the back of my head yelling that at me. Sometimes he gets so loud its hard to think of anything else. Other times, its barely there. My birthday is when its especially loud.
And its loud because no matter how hard I want to slice it I never seem to make much headway in life. Its a constant struggle to push forward and try to get somewhere. In fact, I am 36 now and its ONLY in these last two years of my life really that I can really say I have achieved much of anything. And that which I have achieved has really not effected me in any major way because every time I make a little headway something else seems to come along to smack me down.
Case in point: Got a bunch of patrons, but now dealing with increased costs from work commute and insurance for work. One thing caused a positive gain, the other a negative gain, thus almost perfectly balancing out.
I will say that the future looks brighter. I am not as sad or annoyed or anything this year as I have been in past years. Things are going better, every day it seems. It’s just a long uphill climb and it’s not easy. It’s never going to BE easy. It feels at times with my 60 hour work weeks (9 hour work days + 3 hours of commute total x 5 = 60) that this blog, the patron, everything I am doing is a second job. Anyone who claims this sort of thing is easy is lying their ass off to you. I also think I really need a vacation from my day job, but sadly our work has a policy of taking your PTO if you miss work, and my health conditions cause me to miss work enough that I literally NEVER have Vacation Time.
But at the same time hard work does, slowly but surely, pay off. I like to think that maybe down the line I will do something that people love, that helps others. That makes the world a better place in some fashion, that brings light to others. Even if that light never reaches me.
I still have to work on my Project but frankly I have been demotivated for it. I don’t know why. My brain doesn’t want to think about it. I still need to find time this weekend to prep and setup a Patron one shot for my patrons. I know some of them signed up specifically FOR a chance at this. I managed to setup a custom dice bag with Greyed Out, I got a TeePublic Storefront with a design on it along with another one in the works (eventually) so I mean there is positive motion in my life.
And I am excited to see where things go from here. I have to say my life has been improving, slowly but surely, these last few years. I have friends, I have fans, I have a few people I call family now as well. And eventually I have to believe that the good will outweigh the bad. Because right now, slowly but surely, I think it is.
Happy Birthday to Me I suppose. I survived another year, and the future is finally starting to look truly bright for me. In some fashion or another. Hopefully I can continue to do whatever it is I do for all you guys who read this stuff. All like 20 of ya.
Thanks for reading and remember: Get those Crits, Take those Hits, Keep Pushing Through and Stay Nerdy!